I hate myself

I start painting,  then think why bother, then get really sleepy.  Someone told me it means I'm depressed.  I know I'm capable of doing really good work,  but I guess I just don't think I'm worth putting the time in. If I'm doing it for someone else then it seems worth it. Honestly I never think about planning to kill myself,  but sometimes I do wish I was dead, or at least done with all this shit. I want to make all the people I love happy, and to provide for them,  but I can barely provide for myself.  Why bother even finishing this