i forgot i even had this blog. its the pandemic, and im doing art to avoid feeling...anything. can't get hi anymore, so....
more later now that i found this

Childhood

Somehow the way my parents raised me Gave me an unrealistic view of my own abilities.  Too GOOD.  so later I would be disappointed to learn that I was not superhuman.

Women

I love women. I want to be with them,  and help them,  and love them.

Not so good

I'm not doing so good. And some people i care about aren't either. And I can't seem to help them. And I might be hurting them,  in fact. I won't ever kill myself,  it would be too mean to my mom and my wife and my business partner.  But lately I don't seem to care if I live or die. I should add that I'm off my meds. If you're reading this don't worry, I'll figure it out

Continuing?

I don't know if I'm making it.... maybe I should quit, move away....

I wish I could be independent.

That's what I hate about being poor.  I don't like to ask for favors. I hate that people hold my reliance on them over my head.

Unrealistic dreams

I am becoming one of those bitter old men I perceived older tattooers to be, and I honestly don't know if my experiences are parallel to  theirs or if the tribulations of my generation of tattooers is somehow different from those of the previous generations, but we wound up at the same place, I. E., bitterness. I probably had egotistical visions of someday becoming famous, or achieving great things in tattooing, but even being a tattooist in itself is so ordinary now, it no longer feels like I get to at least think of myself as part of some unusual group. I'll bet it's similar to the experience that the  Ramones had with being a punk band, in that they worked their asses off doing good music but the explosion of extreme popularity didn't happen until a generation after them, and they found themselves surrounded by a hundred million younger bands making more money.  I'm pretty sure I read that they were bitter because the generation after them became very well known and wealthy while they were still struggling, and I think it's similar to that the younger generation of tattooer is has access to the enormous publicity machine whereas I'm less energetic, less photogenic, and im rapidly becoming a candidate for cryogenics. I wouldnt mind except that is becoming almost impossible to make a living doing this. I know I didn't meet the right people,  make the right friends and I blame myself for not just being friendlier, but I at least wish that the environment could be just one iota more conducive to being able to pay rent and put food in my mouth. I'm not saying I deserve to be famous. Hell, I dont even wanna be famous. I would definitely settle for being rich. That, however, is a pipe dream too.